Category Archives: Musings

Debris

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Pulsing underneath, always, the vein of creativity begging to be tapped. But some days it runs so deep, there is too much excavation needed to get there. There have been many of these days lately.

photo credit: thewritingvein.com

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Settling

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I cut my hair yesterday. I knew I would feel like Samson losing his locks, the length having represented confidence and a freedom from conformity. But I was weary of caring for that long-haired person’s ego. I felt like she was higher maintenance than she needed to be. 

I thought I would be brave and go short, sassy and stylish, dialing up yet another side of the new, fearless me. But I let my hairdresser talk me into a mid-length cut, a safe cut (her words), one that wouldn’t freak me out (still her words.) I realize now that she was talking to the other me, the one she’s known for almost 20 years. And that me responded in meek agreement.

It takes a lot of energy to maintain momentum. It requires more calories than I can take in, and more space than I can consistently fill. As the barometer drops, dialing back the winds of change, I find that my bravery is dissipating. Never mind being more authentic, or feeling more alive. Complacency is settling back in.

Is my midlife crisis done with me? This settling feels like wind dying down, after a tornado has swept through and lifted the house from its foundation. Everything is dropping back into place, leaving little evidence of the seriousness of the storm.

After all this, will I be unchanged?

 

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Self fulfilling prophecies

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We imagine the worst to protect ourselves. Because it helps if pain comes from us rather than someone else. Because it hurts less if we acknowledge it personally, bowing our heads slightly as it comes closer, holding still until it passes. We hurt ourselves first because there is satisfaction in jerking the opportunity away from others.

Sometimes this feels smart. By anticipating the worst, we can lessen disappointment, neutralize surprise, and reduce the impact of a sting or a direct punch. We are wise in our understanding that life has its ups, but it has more downs. Recognizing the potential for failure keeps us from feeling the full impact of slamming into the wall.

We are good at this, expecting people to reject us. We excel at anticipating their disappointment, and at predicting the point at which someone will give up and simply walk away. We call this intuition. We call it foresight. What we often overlook is a self fulfilling prophecy.

What if all the energy we spend imagining the worst outcomes were spent instead on imagining the best? What is the point of imagination if we aren’t using it to our advantage? Is it a naive view, too vulnerable a position, a fool’s folly to bet on success instead of failure, to conjure opportunity instead of a dead end, to envision someone accepting versus rejecting us?

Of course not. It’s just much harder.

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The art of tension

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The last text she received from Drew featured his silhouette. He was driving somewhere, north she thought, though it wasn’t possible to know. It was light outside his window, with a blur of green grass and some kind of white building in the distance. She kept pulling it up on her phone, looking at his serious face, wanting him to turn to the camera and smile, guessing at what he’d been thinking when he sent it.

She’d sent him a picture first. He’d asked several times, for the kind of photo always getting politicians in trouble in the news, the kind that suggests a weakness, a shortcoming. She had always refused, although she knew what she would send. Something sensual in simplicity and defensible as art, representative of a desire he might recognize as his own. A suggestion of where he might place his hand. This was something she understood well, foreplay from a distance, the art of tension, the crafting of a good story.

The picture had been snapped inadvertently. She’d taken her phone out to capture the morning skyline from the bridge. Traffic was barely moving, the cars in front of her crawling toward a merge at the highway onramp. The day was grey, the soft grey that comes from a lifting fog and the promise of a clear sky above. The water was smooth and reflective, and the port was quiet. With one hand on the steering wheel, she was attempting to center the phone when she’d fumbled and nearly dropped it, an audible click responding to a finger closing around the case. When she turned it over, there it was, a thumbnail in the corner of the camera, soft and utterly compelling.

Something about the image dissolved her resistance. It captivated her, the evidence, so obvious and real she could almost feel him in the car beside her, reaching over, insistent and possessive. It felt so very, very easy. So honest and legitimate to send it, so unreasonable to keep it from him. If it didn’t generate an equal and proportional response, if she didn’t feel a vibration in the air between them, she deserved every pound of backlash she’d risk to reach him.

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List makers

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Here’s what Drew thinks he knows about me:

1) I don’t want to be away from my kids.
2) I have a loving and supporting husband who would do just about anything to make me happy.
3) I have not engaged in committed professional couples counseling.
4) I value my friendships and networks and other elements too much to leave my city behind and start over.
5) Much of what I think about Drew is purely in my imagination.
6) Jake knows me better than anyone. Drew will never know me as well.

 
Here’s what he thinks I should know about him: 

1) He can be completely selfish and has addiction issues (gambling, internet, work).
2) He is financially irresponsible and has been for almost his entire life.
3) He doesn’t like to plan out every aspect of his life.
5) He is more pessimistic than optimistic, more a procrastinator than a planner.
6) He does not want me to pull the rip cord, and he doesn’t want to be a factor in my decision to do/not do that.
7) He is uneven, occasionally depressed and okay with that. He makes promises that he can’t keep.
8) He sometimes has an unhealthy desire to watch it all burn. (This is something I said to him once. It’s my statement and he can’t have it.)
9) He hasn’t dealt with all of his relationship issues and probably never will.
10) He has a big drool-prone dog who sleeps on his bed and occasionally bites.

 
Here’s what Drew doesn’t know about me: 

1) I have been very close to leaving Jake for a while now.
2) I have been very close to letting go of Drew for a while now.
3) I have been in professional couples counseling with Jake for several years, and I am committed to preserving what is good about us. I am determined to keep us friends.
4) I have been in and out of personal counseling for several years and have never committed to that word “committed.”
5) I haven’t dealt with my relationship issues, and I may spend the rest of my life trying to understand them.
6) Most of what I believe about Drew is not rooted in my imagination; rather, in a sobering view of his prolonged bachelorhood.
7) I will never sleep alongside a dog that weighs as much as I do. There are very nice, comfy dog beds available for large dogs usurped by wives and girlfriends.

 
Here’s what I know about Drew that he doesn’t think I know (and maybe doesn’t know himself): 

1) He would rather end up alone than risk giving himself completely to another relationship that could fail.
2) He is leery of anything that doesn’t have a clear and easily identified exit ramp.
3) The perception of integrity is very important to him.
4) He doesn’t want to be the guy who makes promises he can’t keep.
5) He wants to be the one who knows the girl better than anyone.
6) His comfort zone has a radius of 148 miles.

7) Anything he offers me can be extended on a trial basis only, must be retrieved on his turf, and may be revoked at any time. [Refer to 1) above.]

 
This is not rocket science, says the left brain to the right. And life is not all science, says the right to the left.
 

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The holiday touchstone

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Distance makes the water between us look calm and cold, softening the swells and blurring the horizon so that sky and sea are opposite ends of an ombre spectrum of grey. Its soft, ghostly veil lulls my ache into something unrecognizable, something remote.

The website is down. His mother answers the phone and though I expect to hear her voice, for a moment I pause. Will she know me? I give my childhood name in hopes that she will, and I realize too late it won’t match the name she will see on my check. Still, she warms as she fits the puzzle pieces together, and I chat easily with her for a few moments, as if there aren’t years and miles and feelings for her son between us. It is only a few moments, and then she is gone.

One of her wreaths will ship as a gift to my father, the other will come to me. It will hang beside my front door, where the scent of home will linger long after the holiday has passed. Drew’s mother has been making wreaths since I was in middle school, and I have ordered them each year, turning the memory of a small town over and over again in my pocket, like a smooth stone, held with a reverence I can not admit out loud. The fragrance can take me to him in an instant, to his house in the woods, the outbuilding with it’s floor strewn calf high with fir boughs, and long fold out tables where his mother and sisters would stand twisting and bending and turning the wreaths as they laughed with each other. Where Drew faded in and out, shrugging off a jacket, bouncing a ball, trying to catch an eye, alternately helping and hindering the creative process.

I could stop ordering the wreaths, stop pushing aside the curtain at it’s edge to peer into the past, stay numb beside the ocean, never looking back. But the distance is something that needs to be measured from time to time, like the distance between revolving planets, like the frequency of waves lapping at the shore.

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Between left and right

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If I want to be romantic, I can say that I was waiting for Drew all that time. In the desert, in those years when I was the boss’s girl, in the early days of dating Jake, even in my marriage. I was marking time, hovering, waiting for the measured and methodical turning of pages to reveal a path to him. I can say that my life had been lived in parallel with his, and that individually, we had been making our way toward each other our whole lives, in different cities, in different situations, each feeling lost and empty in our different worlds, not recognizing the rootlessness for what it was—a soul-level pining for one another, a Juliet and Romeo longing for a pre-destined merge.

I can say these things, but that doesn’t make them true. Believing in a soul mate is like believing in a ghost. Or an angel. That I long for the puzzle pieces to yet be fitted together, bringing the rest of our lives into focus, may only be proof that I want to believe. That my right brain is doing the thinking.

The left brain easily dismisses this romantic faith in fate. Like a crow chasing an eagle off into the distance, logic dispels magic, pointing out inconsistencies, nipping at ideas until they fit back into the mainstream. A sane person is forced to acknowledge fact. Drew is not here. Our lives have not merged; instead, we continue to live in parallel. Drew cannot make a move until I do, and I cannot risk a move without him. More and more, it seems unlikely we will unite, unless tragedy or old age intervene.

Logic also argues that if a move can’t be made on principle alone, then this quandary is less about an unfulfilled romance with Drew than it is an issue of faith in myself. To give it this spin, to turn myself into a fairytale character waiting for a white horse ending, is ridiculous. And when viewed in this harsh light, the evidence makes faith seem ill-advised, no matter how much my cliche-ridden heart wants the legend to play out.

The truth is that connecting with Drew at key moments of my life has always provided perspective. Of that, I am clear. But there is little else to go on. There are other truths, people who are actually here in my life, tangible, real connections that outperform words yet unspoken. And there is no room for an indecisive, non-present, unlikely him. Perhaps my fate is already decided, no more guesses, no more crossroads to contemplate.

Giving in to the left is like ceding art to technology, or religion to science. But lacking the courage to test intuition, I can only line up the facts and wait for my feelings to align. More than anything, I want to feel peace, a profound appreciation for Jake, and a certainty that I am enough, that this is where and whom I am supposed to be. I can only wait for the image of Drew to fade away, along with the idea that there is something missing, something more authentic. Denying the unproven, and hoping for balance.

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